Memory.

“But we are the sum of all the moments of our lives--- all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it. If the writer has used the clay of life to make his book, he has only used what all men must, what none can keep from using. Fiction is not fact, but fiction is fact selected and understood, fiction is fact arranged and charged with a purpose.”

-          Thomas Wolfe’s Preface to Look Homeward Angel

Im falling back into old patterns. Fake laughter, fake smiling. And this time it’s so believable, it surprises me more than anyone else. Nobody’s really been able to see through the façade this time and I’m glad, albeit I ought to admit it hurts as well- shouldn't they be able to? Then I reassure myself that I'm just wearing my masks a lot better than I used to. Just what the doctor ordered.

  

Heres the thing about masks- you can choose whoever you want to be BUT you HAVE to be careful who you choose to pretend to be. You could feel comfortable in any mask- the princess, the pauper, the depressed soul, the damaged one, the unbreakable one, the strong-willed one. ..  you might just lose your real self in them all, but that’s okay too. Everyone is bound to lose themselves in one way or another. I’m just one of few who actually fit into THIS category- truly being nothing else but an actress in her own respect.

That’s who I am. The person who can wear any mask and pull it off perfectly- like it is meant to be.

That’s the beauty of who I am. Call me a Machiavellian. Seems apt. I will adapt in any skin, just give me a role to play and consider it perfected. I will sing the songs, and strut my stuff. I will laugh ever so loudly, the room will have to laugh with me. I will shed a tear when it’s appropriate to do so. . . I will fake feeling ‘cause it comes ever so easily to me.

Why?

‘cause I’m numb inside. I once felt emotion on even grander scales than you could even imagine. Felt them so much they drained me completely. Soon enough, I felt nothing, but I knew what to say to stir someone up. I knew how to calm someone down without feeling the need or want to. I just do.

That’s what makes me such a brilliant actress. This ability to manipulate emotions and be the puppeteer of all these insignificant little beings! I can ruin anyone, I could consume them in one breath. The power is all-consuming, and ever so much more wonderful than any mortal would know!

Oh! This power. It takes over my body, and makes my head spin with pleasure. It’s better than any drug, any human emotion! Its FAR better than being ecstatic. It overwhelms my body, my soul, it grants me one thing no human has ever been able to give me- peace.

It takes away the pain, and heals newly- opened wounds. It veils that which is unbearable to look at, and accentuates the beauty. It hides everything from your eyes save for what YOU wish to see.

Oh, how easy it is to be the Mistress. How wonderfully nauseating human beings are proving to be! How breathtakingly easy it is to make you feel what I want you to feel. .  . and yet, you see nothing.

I can stick a knife through your heart, and you will feel only that which I want you to feel. I will command and you will follow because you’re the lesser being, the one who tried to steal it all away from me and ended up with nothing. I will slice you open and show every hideous scar to the world! I will ruin you, for I am TRUTH.

I will strip you of your accolades and show them the sins you committed in order to get them. I will rip you apart, just to make you feel the way they did when you robbed them of their treasures, no matter how small. You will burn in the deepest, fiery pits of Erebus. I will show them what you are truly made of and I will make you bleed for it. I am JUSTICE.

I will not weep for your shames and I will not grant you hope. I will take away everything you believe in ‘cause you tried to take away everything from me. I am REVENGE.

I will never forgive you. I will make you hurt so much, the unbearable pain will make you beg for mercy till you have breathed your last breath. I am REGRET.

Yet, I will let you die.

Call me MERCY.

I wear my masks so tight, you couldn’t tell them apart from me if you tried.

Beware of me, I am Memory.