Nothing’s ever
calmed me like “The Only Moment We Were Alone”, “Your Hand in Mine” "Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean" and “Day 2”
by Explosions in the Sky, in no particular order- save recollection.
I’ve been
ranting a lot lately, to the walls. I haven’t particularly been euphoric or-
conversely- miserable (‘cause that’s the closest opposite I can think of right
now, my brain needs a break).
The book I’ve
been working on since forever- which initially started off in the confines of
my childhood-adolescent basement-turned-bedroom (MASSIVE bedroom, at that) in
order to distract my mother from my hitting-rock-bottom grades in 7th
grade- is now on a hiatus. I can’t seem to process emotion let alone feel it. It’s
just numbness that somehow takes over, and some semblance of calm. Is it even
possible being calmly numb. . . or numbly calm? The latter would be closer to
describing how I feel more accurately, I reckon. Then again, I don’t think too
deeply anymore. Just the surface, scratch it, and bolt.
I don’t even
find happiness when my dogs are playing with each other. It makes me acutely
aware that I can take only one of them with me to the wretched city I am
obliged to study in, whilst leaving the other two behind. My heart shatters
every time I think of it. Maybe I’m not all that numb or devoid of emotion. At least
I can control it better, fake happiness or joy at will.
That’d make me a
liar, wouldn’t it? I guess. But I’ve been called worse.
I think I take
too many things to heart, unlike most others.
At least I’m
still alive? That IS something to be thankful for, right?
So many people
die around us, most of whom we don’t even know. Till someone we do know dies. Then,
our world somehow begins to gain more meaning, momentum, and even makes sense
for a bit. . . till that monotony sinks in, and our cognitive shortcuts kick in
and re-enforce that belief we instilled in ourselves that we’ll live forever,
that time is not fleeting even though the proverb states otherwise. Sigh,
humans. Then again, we’re the ones that make a big deal about death. Perhaps because
we don’t have all the answers. Perhaps in order to spare ourselves any pain of
dying and disappearing into oblivion, a state of permanent non-existence. And we
do it to save ourselves those dire thoughts so that we may live each day “to
the fullest”, whatever that means. Leave it to your own interpretation.
My thoughts tire
me, so I bid you adieu for now.
Maybe I’ll write
more tomorrow. Maybe I’ll throw a disappearing act for till I’m back in
college or later.
Whichever seems
more plausible given my state of mind and the environment that surrounds me.
“A Song for Our
Fathers.” “Snow and Lights.”
“Magic Hours.”
"Look into the Air".
