I don't want friends with ulterior motives. Somehow, in this world cascading into utter darkness, I found three of those who have stood by me since I first met them. I'm not going to tell you who they are, though. They know, if only because our friendship requires no effort. There's no drama, no questions. Just being there.
I haven't cried in a while. Been on a hunt for the most depressing movies and haven't shed a tear. Couldn't even bring myself to 'feel' sad. Wonder if I've turned utterly, completely numb. Nobody's capable of that in all entirety even though I tricked myself into believing so.
Sometimes, something inside nudges me into old habits- okay, so dog movies will make me weep no matter what. Especially if the dog dies (Marley and Me, anyone? Even worse- Hachiko). This randomness apart, more truthfully, when my friends go through hell I feel helpless. Know that feeling when you don't know what to do so you go with instinct/gut and say the most appropriate or just do something completely, infallibly stupid? Went from being "she gives brilliant advice" to "oh man you crack me up!" I gotta say, the latter owns.
Then, I break the chain. Watch a movie like The Cure, and the tears just flow. If I had to lose someone close to me, would I ever break out of it? My people magnet doesn't let me "just be". They either mean the world or they're nothing at all, unless they mean something to someone- then, they somewhat mean something to me and those are the only people who get to be in-between.
I want purity. I want innocence. I want to look at my friends and go ""Okay, I have to deal with them laughing at my idiocy, losing it when I do something completely unforgivable. . . Shit, he's going to slap me this time I think (never happens). . . I am never going to hear the end of this!" instead of "will he still stand by me after this?"
I want those little moments to linger and never lose their sweetness. Have a copious number of those. Like, our emotional sponge, LOG, drunken endeavors, dropping fried rice and attempting to pick it up, sitting on a mound in the middle of the road and yelling at everyone each time mom called. . . Have them lose it and go "Okay"or "Whatever" when I cancel out on a plan. . Their surprised looks when I actually turn up without a fuss! Those bloody bear hugs- can't breathe sometimes.
This city. . . overflowing with memories both bitter and sweet. Brimming with hope and so much pain. . a constant reminder of the past that seems to never stop haunting.
Above all.
Love.
Purity in overdose compared to anywhere else.
Here, I don't have to try being me simply because I can be shamelessly so and never have to wonder twice if I'm pestering them with the texting, worrying them when shit hits the fan, losing them when I spill the beans.
Here, I'm me. All me. This is home.
It doesn't get any better than this but I'm afraid it gets worse.
I haven't cried in a while. Been on a hunt for the most depressing movies and haven't shed a tear. Couldn't even bring myself to 'feel' sad. Wonder if I've turned utterly, completely numb. Nobody's capable of that in all entirety even though I tricked myself into believing so.
Sometimes, something inside nudges me into old habits- okay, so dog movies will make me weep no matter what. Especially if the dog dies (Marley and Me, anyone? Even worse- Hachiko). This randomness apart, more truthfully, when my friends go through hell I feel helpless. Know that feeling when you don't know what to do so you go with instinct/gut and say the most appropriate or just do something completely, infallibly stupid? Went from being "she gives brilliant advice" to "oh man you crack me up!" I gotta say, the latter owns.
Then, I break the chain. Watch a movie like The Cure, and the tears just flow. If I had to lose someone close to me, would I ever break out of it? My people magnet doesn't let me "just be". They either mean the world or they're nothing at all, unless they mean something to someone- then, they somewhat mean something to me and those are the only people who get to be in-between.
I want purity. I want innocence. I want to look at my friends and go ""Okay, I have to deal with them laughing at my idiocy, losing it when I do something completely unforgivable. . . Shit, he's going to slap me this time I think (never happens). . . I am never going to hear the end of this!" instead of "will he still stand by me after this?"
I want those little moments to linger and never lose their sweetness. Have a copious number of those. Like, our emotional sponge, LOG, drunken endeavors, dropping fried rice and attempting to pick it up, sitting on a mound in the middle of the road and yelling at everyone each time mom called. . . Have them lose it and go "Okay"or "Whatever" when I cancel out on a plan. . Their surprised looks when I actually turn up without a fuss! Those bloody bear hugs- can't breathe sometimes.
This city. . . overflowing with memories both bitter and sweet. Brimming with hope and so much pain. . a constant reminder of the past that seems to never stop haunting.
Above all.
Love.
Purity in overdose compared to anywhere else.
Here, I don't have to try being me simply because I can be shamelessly so and never have to wonder twice if I'm pestering them with the texting, worrying them when shit hits the fan, losing them when I spill the beans.
Here, I'm me. All me. This is home.
It doesn't get any better than this but I'm afraid it gets worse.
