Solitude.

“Not leaving: an act of trust and love, often deciphered by children.” 

-         The Book Thief, Markus Zusack

Life, in all its turbulence, teaches you a lot till one day it seems like this pointless, unending journey. Small fact- we’re all going to die yet we act like we’ll live forever. I don’t. I just take death for granted. I don’t live life to the fullest, but I do what I want when I want to. That’s more than enough for me.

People can walk away of their own free will as and when they please, and I will be coerced into believing I made a mistake trusting, loving them for a while. . . till they become people I no longer recognize- strangers in a crowd of familiar faces. . . but that’s okay. It happens.

No running  away this time. I haven’t the will to. It has failed me this time.

Right now. .  I eat loneliness ‘cause it’s where I find comfort. Somehow, I manage to survive through the worst in my life when I’m the most alone. I find that strength to deal with whatever Fate has decreed to throw my way, or rub in my face. No need for friends whom I adore, no need for family to teach me to stay strong. No need for people who can make me cave in, shatter my barriers. No requirement for human company. They’ve been pushed away till I find myself capable of human contact again. And I’m glad, I think, that most of them allow it, understand it, even if they dislike it.

For now. . .

Just books. Music. The wind. My dogs.

Sometimes. . . just nothing.

Nothing at all.

That city I now live in changed me. Made me someone I grew to despise. Someone that wasn’t me. . . someone I managed to slaughter, cold-heartedly whilst enjoying every infernal moment with grim satisfaction.

It feels good being this girl again.

Feels good being that Bangalore girl I thought I’d lost somewhere.

I’m still here.

I’m still me.

I can never be anyone else.

“Smile with instinct, then lick your wounds in the darkest of dark corners. Trace the scars back to your own fingers and remember them.” 

-         Fighting Reuben Wolfe

They Always Know.

I love my dogs.

Love isn’t an easily definable word, but it’s perhaps the only one that comes close enough to telling anyone on earth just how much I would do to keep them happy.

It isn’t easy.

Being away from them for the most part of the year. More than my family, it was them I missed ‘cause I knew they might be neglected for a very long period of time- generally till I call and scream my lungs out at someone for not petting them. Yes, they need food and water to survive. But more than that they need a hug, a kiss, someone scratching their ears at least once a day. They yearn for it. Pet a starving dog, and you have filled his stomach enough for him to want to try harder.

It isn’t difficult.

You just need to reach out and they come to you- in leaps. I was a street away when those two sat at the gate awaiting my arrival. The minute I opened the gate, I had to deal with a truckload of slobber and I nearly broke down for leaving. Tuffys warm snout on my skin again, driving me into bounds of laughter with his licking. Bruso being the jealous one sitting in a corner ‘cause I didn’t pet him first. Took me over 6hours of begging till he finally let me pet him. 3days before he let me pick him up. He really does know how to make me repent!

They’re not much different from us human beings. They feel. More than we do. They whine, every time I walk out the gate- for fear I won’t come back again. I think they know.

I love them.

They have taught me how to be strong when the very foundations keeping me up are crumbling beneath my feet. They have taught me that it is alright to break down and cry now and then- they'll always be there to lick my tears away and do something completely psychotic out of the blue that'll get me laughing till my stomach hurts.

They have taught me to keep mum about the pain when it's too much to burden someone else with. . . To hold on to them when I can't breathe 'cause they will breathe slowly till I can catch up.

They have shown me warmth in my darkest days, and taught me how to forgive those who ought not to be forgiven. They have taught me that letting go is the easy bit. . . It's moving on that's hard. . . That if I let go, it's alright 'cause I don't have the fight inside me anymore and there's no point fighting for something you no longer believe it.

They have taught me it's okay to be human.

A few months ago people asked me why I care so much for people who do not deserve it. My dogs love me ‘cause I’m human. They have witnessed atrocities that human beings resort to, but they love me anyway. They would give up their lives for me. . they would protect me from every kind of harm. Every sort of pain. Why can’t I do the same, no matter who it is?

They have forgiven me for so much. . . and rewarded so little.

They have taught me over and over that it's okay to be me.

That they love me. . . for me. They’d never hurt me. In any way.

I would die for them. I really, really would.

I wish telling them that helped. . . but they know. They always know. And finally, I get to take them with me. 4 more years of college, I can battle with like it’s a cakewalk. . I’ll have my babies with me.

I don’t need anything else.

Anyone else.

Just them.