Shades of Grey

The hardest part is growing up, knowing things will never be the same again, no matter how much you retain that attitude, or how much you manage to refrain from change.

It’s taxing. Memories imbibe themselves in your system, some of them deeply embedded, most others lost to repression. Control evades you when pillars crumble before your very eyes. Strength seems a myth, fear blankets and blinds everything that could help you get past the anguish.

Strength. . . is lost to the environment around you. Dissipates into the air, slowly, surely, ensuring the painstaking process harms you. A cruel jape played by Fate several times.

Hushed voices, whispered words, speculation, surrounded by disjointed hands of faces filled with a concoction of expressions- fear, hatred, ridicule, anger, panic, sadism. Yet, not a soul moves to try and set the wrong right.

Life is not black or white, it’s several shades of grey.

I say that for two reasons I have pondered over for several years, but never quite voiced out.

1.      Our cognitive short cuts (more commonly associated with the lay man term of stereotypes) cause us to think of black as dark and brooding (a sign of evil) and white as pure, peaceful, ideal (angels, anyone?)

2.      Grey, no matter how bright or dark, is gloomy right through.

There’s something about the color that appeals to my senses, and honestly, not in a morbid fashion. It is the ONLY color, right through its gradience that is gloomy. It is never happy, but never quite sad, put simply.

Human beings are neither fully content, nor quite completely unhappy. They are, somehow, always caught inbetween.

For instance, in the day of any average human being, they experience a tumult of emotions, micro-expressions, without so much as realizing it. To a third person, they appear a certain way. They themselves probably don’t even realize it most times.

Think of THE happiest person in YOUR life. Everyone knows such a person- someone who hasn’t deal with much in life, lives the perfect happy life, is protected, sheltered, so on so forth. The instant they have to deal with something a little outside their comfort zones, they become insecure, hyperventilate. Nervous. Slowly, they fall into this pattern wherein it causes some amount of sadness in them.

Yeah. Not quite the “I’m going to kill myself because this isn’t going to work out and it’s the best thing for me” sad, but sad enough for them.

I remember how, during Psych class, a friend and I would mark everyone as excessively neurotic, or majorly depressed (no brownie points for guessing which one I was). Then, on exposure to the bipolar disorder in all its glory, something clicked in our dormant minds. We realized that everything is put with respect to everything else- but our cognitive shortcuts don’t allow us that element of doubt. Our cognitive shortcuts tell us, owing to (yes, wait for it. . .  ) laziness, cause us to compare everyone to the ‘ideal’ happiness or the horrific depression.

That’s just it though, just like how norms are subject to change with respect to the culture, or country, the people or more broadly, the environment- so too are humans and their emotions!

Yes, we really ARE different from one another. What makes me happy, might not apply for you. What makes you sad, might not apply for me. Most likely it won’t.

If, for instance, you’re aggrieved by death, in all likelihood, someone else is least concerned (and I’m not referring to cold-blooded murderers, assassins, or any of those exceptions). It’s really just as simple as that- what works for you, won’t work for me. And that isn’t a newfound idea , really. I’m sure you’ve thought of it more than once in your entire life. But honestly, we’re a bunch of ignorant farts who need to realize it applies universally for more than just the reason that I like dark chocolate, while you hate it.

Life really IS that grey.

Coming back to the point- growing up.

In my head, we all start off with the lightest shade of grey. By the time we’re teens, we’ve managed to enter the darker shades of grey.

By our 30s, it gets darker. . .

Surely by now you get the flow.

Then, somehow, people come along and add that 'color' to your life. . The reds and purples, blues and greens. . The eloquent and the mysterious . . The pale and the dark. That zest, pizzaz. . . You name it.

Somehow. .  .

Everything in life comes down to colors. Everything. Just like every government ultimately boils down to economics, and every child's upbringing boils down to environment.



We recognize colors 'cause they have universal meanings. . They transcend borders, and go beyond language. Perhaps, if we didn't have language, every color, every shade would mean something. Maybe that would have been our language- a world full of colours. Rainbows. Leprachauns. Pearly whites and pools of black. . . Bubbling blue waterfalls, and black nights filled with twinkling spots of silver. Not that it isn't already. . but most of us don't communicate that way. . . Some of us, still do. . albeit not entirely.

But no. That's not how it is.

Life's grey. It just has its moments. . Like we have ours.

Conversations

Matthew 21:21

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

“What happens when people die?”

“They go to heaven or hell.”

“What if there isn’t a heaven or a hell?”

“Well, their souls go back to God.”

“And if there isn’t a God?”

“There is.”

“If there isn’t?”

“There is.”

“What IF there isn’t?”

“Maybe their souls float around.”

“So, once they’re dead, they go to heaven or hell or to God, else they float around. So, there are probably 6billion souls floating around amongst us?”

“Perhaps.”

“Maybe that signifies the end of the world. When it’s too congested to live on, it ends?”

“No.”

“Why not? Maybe the humans choke, and die. Maybe that’s why we have tsunamis- maybe someone fought and it isn’t really plate tectonics. Or even if it is, maybe someone moved them. Maybe it’s just a game the dead souls are playing on us. Maybe they control us.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Cause God controls us, ‘cause Fate decides and Destiny is decided.”

“Maybe you’re wrong.”

“Maybe you are.”

“I know I might be, but you won’t give anything the benefit of the doubt.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t”

“Why? ‘cause God will punish you?”

“Yes. And ‘cause the Faith keeps me alive.”

“So you cling onto that Faith in order to survive?”

“In order to have something to live for.”

“People or dreams, goals or objectives should be reasons you live for.”

“They are. But the Faith gives me hope that I’ll make it.”

“A friends Faith can give you that hope too.”

“Faith in God allows me to never falter.”

“Even when someone close to you dies, or you see your dog run over? When you fail an exam you worked for, when someone in your family falls horribly ill? When you do not get what you deserve, while everyone knows you deserve it, and you have made no mistakes to have it taken away from you?”

“Yes. Faith in God gets me through all of that.”

“And if God doesn’t exist? If God isn’t Krishna or Ganesh, Christ or Allah?”

“God is all of them, and more.”

“More?”

“God is the sea that surrounds us, the land we thrive on, the sky above us, the air we breathe.”

“Maybe it isn’t God, and just a celestial being?”

“It’s all the same.”

“How?”

“It keeps me alive. Keeps my Faith strong. Gives me hope, let’s me survive.”

“So, God keeps you alive. Nameless or not.”

“Yes.”

“Yes. Till the Faith is shattered.

Till you falter, and lose hope.

Till you no longer have anyone to blame for all the bad,

Or thank for the good.

Till it’s too much to bear.

Till you die.”

Matthew 14:31

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

The heartbeats at our feet. . Our miracles with paws.

Theognis, Fragment 1. 1135 (trans. Gerber, Vol. Greek Elegiac) (Greek elegy C6th B.C.) :
"Elpis (Hope) is the only good god remaining among mankind; the others have left and gone to Olympos. Pistis (Trust), a mighty god has gone, Sophrosyne (Restraint) has gone from men, and the Kharites, my friend, have abandoned the earth. Men's judicial oaths are no longer to be trusted, nor does anyone revere the immortal gods; the race of pious men has perished and men no longer recognize the rules of conduct or acts of piety. But as long as man lives and sees the light of the sun, let him show piety to the gods and count on Elpis (Hope). Let him pray to the gods and burn splendid thigh bones, sacrificing to Elpis (Hope) first and last."
- Courtesy Ender.

I have this notion about humans- it's the same as the one Hobbes stated, human beings are "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short." We're vile, conniving creatures who will stop at nothing to get what we want. We are self-centred, ego-centric, and unconcerned about the world around us.

Unless, of course, it benefits us or protects us from harm in some way, irrespective of how twisted.

Then, you look at the flip-side. Animals. Dogs.

I would give my life up in an instant if that would keep my babies happy. I cuddle them to death, and love their wet snouts nuzzling my palms. I shamelessly kiss their snouts, ‘cause I know they love it. I kiss them on their foreheads, and scratch their ears ‘cause I see that sparkle in their eyes every time I do.

They bark at people who they think will harm me. Bark, or growl, and keep them away. My parents taught me etiquette, manners. My family taught me how I should behave, ought to behave. But my dogs taught me selflessness, and strength. They taught me to stand tall at the end of a difficult day. They taught me that they’ll be there no matter what, and that there IS indeed a thing such as unconditional love. I need not test them, I dare not test them, ‘cause they will pass and I will fail for even just trying to see if they’re loyal. They are. It goes without saying.

The Lord made these creatures to teach us lessons, most of which have gone unlearnt. Have been ignored.

The Lord has told us “Look, and see. These creatures will teach you how to be honest, and loving. How to be caring through the end of time, no matter how much harm you face on Earth.”

The Lord gave them no words to speak with. He gifted them gestures that mean a lot more than human gestures would. He did not bless them with hands, for they have paws that are soft and furry, comfortable and warm, no matter how cold the day has been. The Lord gifted them with snouts and ever-warm eyes. . . to show us, they love us. So much.

The Lord granted us rationale and brains, and we have ruined ourselves for want of possession and wealth. . . for want of power, and fame.

Yet, these creatures will sit in your shadow, and lick your tears away. They will paw you when they feel you need them around, they will make you laugh when you’re about to break down. They will teach you, every step along the way, what it is to be a good human being.

Human beings do not have to like me, for they matter not to a very large extent. I have found a few who do, whom I would give my life for, guided purely by how much they might love their own animals, or those around them. so long as The Lord’s creatures do, however, I know, within, that I AM a good human being. For I would not abandon them, I would not harm them. I dare not, for I love them. Unconditionally.

They aren’t just Lord’s creatures, created with reason.

They are my friends, and I love them dearly. I will pet a stray and smile through the day rather than befriend a human who begrudges them.

I love my dogs.

But please, if you adopt an animal, do not abandon them.

If you have a heart, look at them and KNOW inside, they will be there no matter what. Do not let them go. You do not know how much they miss you, or how much it hurts them to adjust to new scents and sounds.

Understand, they have hearts.

Understand. . . you NEED them beside you for they ARE your heart. Your breath. . .

They’re everything to me.

Stop hurting them.

Tumult.

“Everything is not as it seems.”

That probably applies more for people than it does for anything else.

People change in the blink of an eye, just to fit in. to act like they belong, even though, truly, they’re far from it. People change in order to feel like theyre wanted by somebody. . feel like they need somebody around.

Change.

Dad always said, “Change is the only constant in life.” He said that to me first when I was about 7. I didn’t understand the concept then, but now, it hits me like a bitchslapping ice cold hand while I’m nestled in some corner of the Arctic.

Yes, it hurts. Frostbite can kill.

I’m presently sitting at home staring at my laptop screen wondering where all this pent up angst and frustration came from. I reckon it’s from lack of being able to talk to the people I adore. . . my brothers, my parents, my uncle and aunt, my sister. . . my friends back in the city I now study in. . . my friends in Bangalore, who are suddenly out of reach ‘cause I refuse to pick up my darned phone.

I’m happy, on the inside. I’m happy that everything that’s hurt me these past eight months have come to the fore and been dealt with. I’m satisfied. . . relived, that all that pain is done with. It’s over.

Repercussions are a big deal in this world, and I’ll have to deal with plenty of those in about 3 months, but until then, I’m going to soak up the sun. I’m going to enjoy every minute that my home has to offer me, ‘cause we can NEVER tell what happens next.

From 10^th grade, the infamous break-up that nearly ruined me, to 11^th where my father fell horribly ill. . to 12^th, where my uncle lay on his death-bed during boards, and all I could do was pray with all my heart that he’d be okay, while paying little to no heed to my godforsaken books, relying on just one jackass who kept me strong and alive right through the debacle.

I’m reminded, day after day, of the miracle I achieved. The prayers were answered, every time, and everything was suddenly alright. I was . . . alright. I survived. My family survived but that nagging feeling that it’s all going to die soon just wouldn’t go away.

Then, I met two people who pepped me up when I was at the lowest of my lows while putting on this farce of happiness that EVERYONE in college fell for- including the person I expected to see right through it all.

I opened up. Nearly every secret let out, without the tiniest hint of insecurity or regret. It felt so. . . nice. It felt good that I could share and NOT worry about losing that person- how did he manage to do that to me?

Me. The girl who everyone stayed away from ‘cause she has too much attitude to deal with- the girl who everyone was mistaken about, in good ways and bad.

I was the ‘girl’ who stayed away from people- ‘cause people are unpredictable, and I’d much sooner sit and cuddle my dogs than pay attention to someone sitting next to me in class.

If there’s ANYTHING this past year in college has taught me, it is – Do not give up.

Life will ruin you, friends will come and go. People will scar you, and you’ll think a hundred times before so much as getting close to them again. Not the same ones, of course not, but others.

Then, someone will come along and change your entire life. The scales aren’t balanced anymore. The good and bad aren’t equal. One is more than the other, which obviously means that one is a whole lot less than the other. Then, there’re scales for the happy and sad, the hope and lack of. . . scales for everything. . . labels for it all.

I once had a best friend in college that I held dear to me, but things changed.

Changed ‘cause my family got hurt, and in turn, I crumbled. I didn’t handle the situation too well, but it’s all I could do to STOP the pain. I let go. I used all the ammo I had, but then I heard stories that changed my perception of her completely.

People gave me different versions of her stories- suddenly, she was always the victim and I was the predator? After all I’d done? Cleaning up the crap on the floor, washing her clothes and mine when I was ready to drop ‘cause I was ill, shutting up when I couldn’t handle it anymore and walking out ‘cause if I yelled, it just made things worse.

Then having her tell me I ought to yell, ‘cause it’s a lot easier to handle than the cold shoulder.

I was sick of changing. So I stopped.

I acted the way my impulses made me, and I just LET it all GO.

I had a fuck-off attitude perpetually and didn’t pay any more heed to people than was necessary. I couldn’t stand it. I hated change, it made me vile. I turned into a senile wrench, and I made new friends. I let them go, and I do not regret it.

Only later, would I realize, that they went around telling people “Go sit with her, she’s alone.” Without realizing, for a single instant, that I’d rather be alone than have people sit by me, people I considered best friends, on their say so.

By then, he came along. And changed everything.

No, there isn’t any attraction although a LOT  of people believe there is. . . he keeps me happy. Wipes off the sadness like it shouldn’t be there. Makes me hope for a better tomorrow, and somehow, through all of it, makes me a  MUCH better person.

He says I make him exceptionally good, and I wonder to myself- how?

When I’ve fucked so many people over, and people all around tend to hate me. Perhaps I have this misconstrued notion of human beings . . Maybe, I WANT to believe that everyone’s a despicable, solitary, nasty, brutish and short entity put on earth to compel us to belittle ourselves in our own heads.

Maybe, I’m really not that bad. I love how I can make him feel like he needs to be a better person. I LOVE that I can make him feel "exceptionally good". I love that he can talk to me, and I can talk to him. . ..  I adore him, 'cause he makes me want to be a much better person.

In the past four months, I’ve been told, time and time again, “Enough with being nice. Stop being nice to people who do not deserve it. They really don’t.”

I’m naïve. I hope for the best, even if I expect the worst. He keeps that faith alive in me somehow, that faith I somehow lost when everything came tumbling down- when family dropped dead around me, and I had to suck it up and smile through it all ‘cause I had no one to go to anymore.

You come across those handful of people you trust who fuck you over big time, and you BELIEVE for oh! So long that humans really ARE that pathetic.

Till you, somehow, through some miracle, meet those people you CAN rely on.

I can count them on my finger tips, ‘cause they’ve been around since 6^th grade, ‘cause they helped me through hell and brought me back. . . ‘cause of so many reasons I’ve lost count.

I’ll be forever indebted to those people. . .

But for those who think they did so much for me, when in truth they’ve only dealt with my “tantrums” that they can no longer handle, I can only pity their states, and hope they’ll leave those misconceptions they’ve built around themselves, that self-pity they’ve enveloped themselves in, in order to get that sympathy the world offers for they come across as a wounded puppy when, in fact, they’re blinded by the attention-craving, selfish beings they've managed to become.


No. You did do a lot. Thou shalt not deny that.
But please, if you heard me out when I cried out loud only to have to tell a third person how sick and tired you are of me, or that you're through with me without so much as a warning- what am I supposed to believe? What does that say about you?

I wasn’t insecure. But they attributed what they wanted to my state, and I won’t deal with it ‘cause there’s really no point in trying to make them understand when they refuse to.


Correction. I won't even try, 'cause I'm through with trying when it'll only be quashed with chastisement.


I'll just hug my family, and those 2 new additions to the people I love ever so dearly, and listen to them whisper "You're perfect just the way you are." I will leave behind the spite and hurt, the anguish and pain, and pray you'll be happy 'cause you were once dear to me, and probably always will be.


I will hope, with all my heart, that you live contentedly for the rest of your life, because my mother taught me to always be there for others no matter the pain it causes me till it becomes too much to bear.


I will NOT tolerate my family being hurt, but hurt me all you want. God gave me the strength to handle it, or I wouldn't be facing it.

At the end of a long, yet satisfying day, one thought echoes in my head before I can let out a sigh of relief and enter my reverie-

“I am haunted by humans.”

But I will survive, ‘cause there’s so much more to life. .


I love my life, now. I love it with all my heart and I will treasure all I have forever more. Forever.


I'm happy. .


No. I'm elated.


And I found the faith I lost ever so long ago.




I will ALWAYS survive, and I will ALWAYS do better than just enough to make it. From now on, I will give everything my all. . . If not for myself, then, for him. For my family. Lord knows, they deserve it.

Make. It. Now.

Eight people, seven days. Just like that, they’re gone at a snap of the fingers. No one had the slightest clue, nobody expected it. But people around us are dropping dead like it’s the “end of the world”, to quote a few sentiments.

I have this dream, that I’ll have this book published by December 2012. No, not the 21^st of, given all that “Armageddon”, “end of the world” nonsense that’s been flying around for over a year now, but the 31^st. why?

‘cause I made a promise to myself that this would be something I can put down in my list of accomplishments.

When you’re 13, and someone close to you asks you what you’ve accomplished, you’d probably say “A 24/25 in Math!” or some such subject. Elating, isn’t it?

When you’re 15, it’s probably “I’m the VP of the interact club in school!”

When you’re 19. . . “Top of my class in a few subjects during boards yo. Made the basketball univ team, too. Irrespective of the fact we’ve lost every tournament. Thing is, we’re improving. Tremendously!”

We all have our little joys in life. Those little joys that make you believe in the silver lining around those dangerously dark clouds.

I suppose.

Perhaps.

Sometimes though, it’s the darkness that claws at you till you get the point- MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIFE, AND DO IT NOW!

Stop waiting for the world to happen.

It will, whether or not youre ready for it.